Lool! That is what I can say to this article. So should there be a church dress code (like deeper life) or complete freedom – as in most pentecostal churches? And should an usher be able to come and tap you and ask you to simmer when you overdance in church? How much “liberty” should there be in The Spirit? Enjoy the article. I also include (for free o!) a related joke by basketmouth after the article.

What, you wonder, am I on about now? Easy. I am speaking out on behalf of the tortured majority. You know, the young male Pentecostals who have sworn to abstention until marriage and are trying their best to “Hold Bodi” despite hormonal stimulus and in the face of the barrage of sexual messages from Channel O, Home Videos, X-Rated Magazines and the skimpily dressed female “Penterascals” that populate many of today’s Pentecostal Churches. Their plunging necklines, Spaghetti Straps, Half–shoulder Roman Toga blouses and fully Off-shoulder dresses leave little to the imagination. Tight Skirts that skirt nothing and See-through Mini dresses that maximize the exposure of orange-peel straddled Thongs. Whereas the Church used to be the Eye of the Storm of social decadence, now many are the Bermuda Triangle where unwary Bachelors and even married men flounder and disappear into the vortex.

What manner of maelstrom do I speak of? After all, in most churches, the Ushers are well-prepared with scarves to shield the tantalizing thighs from the eyes of the brothers, particularly the senior brother on the pulpit that they might not sin in their hearts. Aha! No problem you think? The Gospel has got it all covered! But no, not quite! In keeping with the injunction that “He inhabits our praise,” and the attempt to “sing unto the Lord a joyful song”, there is an exuberant praise worship with plenty of singing and dancing at the beginning and also to bring the Service to a close. This is when the Pentecostal Butt dance comes in. You see, the babes, sorry, “loosed women” know that because they do not attend Night Clubs and joints where the worldly guys hang out, they have to make do with the premises available to them to do what they do naturally in the hope of snaring a catch.

So, with their lips painted, their hips swaying and their fingertips all a-glitter and outfitted to kill, they sashay into Church and eagerly anticipate the beginning of Praise Worship. At the first notes, they jump to their feet and begin a gentle swaying of the hips from side to side in rhythm to the music. As the tempo picks up, they introduce the killer moves, the ones that are imported from the Owambe Parties where the women bend over and do amazing things with their gluteal muscles and adipose tissue in a genteel manner to the beat of the music. It starts with a gentle up and down motion in addition to the sideways sway, then graduates into the fully upright hip-hop–ribbetty-bop that I have named the Pentecostal butt dance.

The more anatomically gifted the Lady worshipper, the tighter the outfit and the more attention she attracts. At this point, the brothers’ gazes are transfixed and all sorts of thoughts are running riot in their brains as they struggle to retain the anointing that they came in with. After all, Sunday Service is the occasion at which they can demonstrate their conviction with the Christ and their “Church–mind” and “Church –speak”. The young dancers have caught their attention and are setting the brothers up for an after Church Bible – Study where they get to know each other while “Digging deep”.

What is a poor brother to do? The young brothers end up confused with erotic signals short-circuiting the anointed presence they had sought. Thank God for the ever Soul-cleansing, life-changing, undiluted, inexorable and pristine God-inspired Word coming from the pulpit. Quickly, the brothers are “re-arrested” and the Holy Spirit takes over, but not for long. The Sermon comes to an end and it’s time for all to stand up again and sing,

Jesus, you’re my firm foundation, I know I can stand secure, Jesus, you’re my firm foundation…
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